Eclipsed…

Why is it that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, all you can think about are the really dark, horrible memories? No matter how good the better times were, they get eclipsed by one, perhaps many, bad events? For most people, their turning point in life were events that belonged in the darkest parts of their lives.

For me, when asked to think about memories, I find it very hard to recall any good ones. Perhaps I’m just a pessimist. It’s unnatural to feel that way, as those close to me say I’m perhaps annoyingly cheerful. I think this cynical, jaded outlook is the result of my later teen years. Or perhaps it’s in my blood – being clinically depressed. Runs in my family.

But I digress. When asked to think about memories, the only ones that ran around my mind were how the few good memories I have of almost anything have been eclipsed by darker, gloomier moments. How people that I saw as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ when I was little now seem all too flawed and just plain grey. No more whites. No person as being just ‘good’.

The story I’m going to tell may be gloomy. It may not even have a happy ending. Because this is the real world – there are very few happy endings. I don’t seem to be one of the lucky few.

It’s about a person I adored in the entire world. I grew up only knowing her as my role model – the person I aspired to be. I’d follow her around like a crazy, love-struck puppy, liking the same things that she liked. If she liked the chicken leg, so did I – even though I hated bones. If she liked the color blue – I would want it too.

I remember always going to the grocery store and being given money to buy candy. I’d always buy it in such a way that I could buy two of whatever candy – including tax. I never once thought of purchasing stuff just for me – there had always been the two of us since I was born. Over the years, she stopped liking what I bought, and eventually I stopped. I think I was probably 13-14 by the time I kicked that habit.

She cared for me too – I was her little chick that she shepherded along. Her little play doll that she could mother. But as we grew older, the age gap began to show and instead of being her little dollie, I became a pain. I wasn’t popular in school, but she was. She hated me running after her – I suppose I could push her buttons. And with passing time, the distance grew larger. She had less and less time for me. Perhaps I wanted more attention than she could give – I don’t know.

She moved on and married when I was going through a bad patch – folks splitting up. I felt a little left behind. She did try, but I knew I was not her first priority. It hurt, but I tried managing on my own. I think I did ok. There were things she did that really hurt me, but I still loved her anyway.

Until last year. A lot of things happened to the point of me losing trust in her. I’m someone who will always give someone the benefit of the doubt (remember me being annoyingly cheerful?) until the person betrays me in a way so heinous that I can no longer trust or respect them. So to lose respect and trust in someone I adored and loved for over 24 years – it hurts. It still hurts.

We hadn’t talked in over a year. And she lands up on my door again. All alone, needing her family. Except she hasn’t changed. She’s still the person that betrayed me. Except now she expects me to share everything with her. To go back to how we were ten years ago.

How can I do that? It isn’t humanly possible anymore. I took her in, only to explode and send her out of my ‘inner circle’. I can’t let her back again. I can’t.

So the question is, how does one get over being betrayed? Being haunted by memories and moments so dark that it’s hard to see the good times? Is the good times even worth all the bad parts

To quote a famous Pink song:

And time makes it harder

I wish I could remember…

My darling…

Who knew…

This post was written by Media Junkie. You can read her equally depressing and not-so-agonising moments over here.

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