It’s been a difficult week…. it feels as if god is playing pong with my emotions…
I can never remember the dreams which I see in my sleep. Actually, there is just one which I can remember. I used to see this as a child, and I can still visualize it today… I don’t quite know what it means.
Everything around me is dark – pitch black… I am not standing or sitting; it feels like, I am floating….
Or so I think!
What I cannot feel is the atmosphere whooshing past me as gravity pulls me towards something. The dream ends abruptly with me hitting something hard and cutting off my fall. I stand on my knees and look around, and find myself awake on the floor of my room – dazed, confused, trying to put together what just happened; why am I on the floor and not on the bed?
The feeling which I used to experience as a kid, are close to what I have been feeling this week. Saying that, I havent had a chance to dream – sleep has been tough all week. I am sleeping in patches of an hour at the most. I have this thing about checking the time whenever I open my eyes – all I see is an hour progressing. Multiply this by the days in the week, and I am bordering on insomnia.
The behavior of people around me has been bothering me this week too. You know that it is noisy around you at work when you have your ipod plugged into your ears all day, and music blaring through the headphones for peace and quiet. Irresponsibility, lack of logic, disrespect for the job you do – I have been over-sensitive of all these things this week. When I am out and about, people around me seem blurry and my edges are sharply defined; but in reality – I am that faint mist burning away in the atmosphere.
My search has been of perfection this week…. an imperfect perfection. I know it exists. There is a map in my hand, but I don’t know where I am standing. I look around, and I know what everything is… so where is the next direction? What is my next turn? I can see it, but I don’t really know…
Why am I feeling so random? I don’t know. Maybe I do, but can’t do a great deal about it for now. It’s been a while since I have been lost in confusion of my emotions…. or is it me just getting lost in translation?
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{ 3 comments }
Maybe you are burning out and need a vacation. You work very hard. Maybe it’s the heartbreak. Maybe it’s a combination of things. Hope you feel better soon (ie. not feeling “random”).
you need time off to get some perspective – to distance yourself from everything.
I don’t know much about you really, or your life. But it seems, to me, that what happened a year ago, the wounds are still fresh and there hasn’t been anything filling the empty spaces which change sometimes creates. Maybe through working hard you are not facing the real troubles, maybe you are running away. Scared that you can’t be fully truthful to yourself. And if you were, it would hurt too much and confuse you even more.
I have been feeling nostalgic the past few months, but it is understandable, I’m going through lots of changes. I don’t like nostalgia, it makes me feel very weird. I remember happy times, but it doesn’t make sad or happy; it makes me feel like ground is taken off my feet and I float. Bad memories do not make me angry or sad when I am nostalgic, but the same like I described, as if I am floating. I am here and everything around me is familiar but unfamiliar at the same time. It’s also that feeling I get when I sense something happening, I suddenly feel too close to a power which is too strong for me to grasp. It’s as if I at those times are more aware of how fast life goes by and how easily I could loose it.
You need a time-out! Take it, it is worth it.
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